Concerning your medical trials: you had to perform during Seasons 2 and 3 in the aftermath of brain surgery each time. Can you describe that?
I just felt weak and consistently in this mode of “Please don’t fire me. Please, please don’t let me fuck this up. Please don’t let anyone have an opportunity to think I’m anything other than beyond capable of taking on this role.” Every day I would fight my own demons of thinking, You’re sick, you can’t do this. You’re tired, give in. Stop. I just bulldozed through. There were a couple of seasons where I just questioned everything and struggled through everything and felt a tremendous amount of guilt at not being able to fully inhabit this role of a lifetime that I was given when I had many friends who were still knocking on casting directors’ doors. It left me fatigued and exhausted and anxious and worried and fearful every day.
What was your worst day on the set?
The first couple of seasons we would film in hot countries a lot, and we would film in quarries and other places that were incredibly unforgiving with regards to heat. We had very long days, and I’m in this enormous wig over a bald cap glued on to my head. You’re paranoid you’re going to die all the time, because you’ve had two brain hemorrhages. I’d feel incredibly faint and want to pass out. I got headaches and thought I was dying. But I just didn’t ever say anything.
So a difficult day would be a long day with lots of people, lots of heat, and I was just trying not to cry, just trying not to pass out, trying not to think I was going to die. And, at the same time, deliver lines in Dothraki. And then turn up for dinner and say hi to the cast and try to keep friendships alive. That was really hard. I’m sure lots of people will read that and go, “You prissy child, that’s nothing, that’s nothing at all.” But it just felt incredibly dark and tricky when you kind of can’t be honest with the people around you and say, “I’m struggling a bit.”
Did you ever feel in real danger? I mean, did you ever think, I’m on the set, I’m riding a dragon, my head hurts, and I’m about to have another episode?
Oh, yeah, a hundred per cent! In moments of extreme stress, my fear of dying was dialled up to a million. There were many moments where I would just take one of my hair or makeup girls aside and just go, “I think I’m dying, and I’m not. Can you just hold my hand? Could you just look at me and tell me that I’m all right?” And they would look at me like I was mad and try and help me breathe through it.